Turning 40

Recently, someone less than half my age asked me, twice, how it feels like to be 40.

I didn’t reply because it’s actually a very difficult question to answer.

Did she mean turning 40 as opposed to, say, 20? Or turning 40 in reality, compared to imagining myself at 40?

I owe my young friend, whose whole life is before her, a decent response. Here is my attempt.

I turned 20 in Venice. I was studying in England then, and I seized every opportunity to travel in Europe. I had always wanted to see Venice, and like I imagined, it was picture perfect and heartbreakingly romantic. At 20, I looked forward. Like the canals of Venice that stretched ahead, I imagined that my life was full of possibility and adventure.

I turned 40 in Dili, halfway across the world, seemingly a lifetime later. I spent the morning alone at the beach. In the evening, I walked up a hill with some Timorese youth half my age. From the top of the hill, we could see the whole city before us. At 40, I was firmly rooted in my present, and in God's grace. His presence in my life is as real as the dirt trail that my feet were planted upon.

If I had to sum up what turning 40 is like in one sentence, it would be this:

Turning 40 is about owning and embracing what has turned out to be real for me, graciously.

Many things I imagined or desired at 20 have not happened. Conversely, many other things that I never dreamt would happened have become a part of my life, and shaped me in a profound way. Turning  40 is about letting go of that which is unreal, transient and fleeting, and choosing to embrace the solid substance of Jesus’ broken body that has always been right by me.

Turning 40 is a time to remember the cruel storms of life, as well as the many moments of intense and indescribable joy that have come my way. Turning 40 is about declaring from the depths of my heart that God has used it all for my good, and for His glory.

Turning 40 is about making a surprise discovery, that I’ve become younger in heart and spirit. Perhaps it’s all the time I spend being around preschoolers and young people in Timor-Leste. Perhaps it’s because of the endless hours I’ve spent wrapped up in the beauty of the setting sun. Or perhaps it’s just the Holy Spirit, renewing me. In the midst of pouring out my life, I realize that at 40, there is more of me to give now than when I first started my mission. It is a holy paradox, a divine mystery, and by grace, it is the life I’ve found in Him.