Deconstructing peace and joy: Chemically induced or a gift from Christ?

Some days, the isolation and anxiety brought on by the Covid-19 pandemic feels unbearable. I grapple with the loss of freedom and mobility, choice and agency, all at once. What makes it worse is the sense that there is no clear end in sight. Some days I feel stuck, helpless and anxious about the future. I grieve the loss of all that was possible and feel sad. I run through in my mind where I could go or what I could do to get back a sense of emotional equilibrium. Sometimes that merely adds to the feeling of being stuck, and I give up. In the midst of processing my own turbulent emotions, I have been reminded of something I read in C S Lewis’ “Mere Christianity”, as he describes how God’s judgement may be like.

“All sorts of nice things which we thought our own, but which were really due to a good digestion, will fall off some of us: all sorts of nasty things which were due to complexes or bad health will fall off others. We shall then, for the first time, see every one as he really was. There will be surprises.” 

The Covid-19 lockdown has felt like an unwelcome exposé that forces me to face the true state of my heart condition. I am beginning to see how C S Lewis’ description above applies to…me. Maybe there is nothing substantive to any of my pleasant dispositions and moments of good temper. What if they are actually just the cumulative effects of affluence and comfort, of getting what I want, when I want it? 

Maybe I am in a good mood because I’ve had a dose of caffeine from a cup of strong teh-c kosong, and indulged in my favourite mee pok, not because I’ve found deep joy and contentment in Christ in all circumstances. Or if I’ve managed to be kind and patient to someone, it’s not because of the deep transformation in my character, but because I’ve momentarily released all my angst and anxiety throwing weights around at the gym. Maybe those times when I can hold space for a friend going through a rough patch is not because I am rooted in the overflowing shalom of Christ and filled with love for another, but because I’ve numbed my own pain or covered up my brokenness with mindless busy-ness and frantic activities. Or perhaps my so-called resilience in the present is based on an anticipation of a secure future that is more about fantasy than it is about embracing the vulnerability of a life of true surrender.

          Sobering huh? How much of our daily “niceness” is merely a product of the momentary high we feel from a shot of dopamine produced in our brains when we…eat our favourite ice-cream, or from the rush of glucose coursing in our blood when we take a big gulp of bubble tea? What if our ability to perform in the present is only because we are banking on taking a vacation in the future? Now that these mood enhancers, external props for happiness and anticipation of reward in the future are all taken away from us, what’s really nourishing our emotions and giving us peace? Grabfood? God have mercy.