Tired?

I had an epiphany this afternoon. 

It happened at a roundabout about 20 metres from the library, where traffic comes from different directions, as the children whom I was supposed to be escorting home were running wildly with absolute abandon, oblivious to any danger, and all I could do was sigh and hold one child's hand, while contemplating how much I suck at being a traffic warden.

And then a wave of incredible tiredness hit me. 

I thought, "But I hardly did anything". 

And God said, "It's not how much you do, it's how much you give of yourself." I was stunned. So many things were suddenly illuminated by the light of that one statement. I began to understand why certain things would make me tired so quickly. Like acting out object lessons in class or church. Having a heart to heart talk with someone. Visiting my pastor.

What do these things have in common? They are not things that I do well in the natural. I don't have a single theatrical cell in my 172cm frame. But sometimes, I simply feel compelled to act out a spiritual truth on what sin looks like to God, or demonstrate what terrible body language looks like when I teach my students basic public speaking principles. I tell myself over and over again, it is for them, so they can learn and understand, none of this is about me. And so I push back my natural introversion, act, and feel oh so very tired at the end of it, because while I have not done much, I have given of myself.

Self disclosure is something else that I run away from in the natural. It takes a lot of discipline and a good dose of courage for me to articulate my most private thoughts and experiences in words coherently for God's glory, the edification of the other, and the deepening of a relationship. And so when I sense the Holy Spirit brooding over me like humidity, literally making it hard to breathe - I speak up, I speak out from the heart, I remember what my literature tutor taught me once, to finish properly every sentence that I begin, I fight the temptation to censor myself, and when I finish speaking, I am tired, because while I have not done much, I have given of myself.

And on those precious free mornings when I don't have to be at the library, when I can finally indulge in my introversion, He sometimes drops in my heart a desire to visit my pastor, and I sigh inwardly, precisely because I understand deep down how much those who care for others need to be cared for themselves.  I put it off, I rationalise, I justify, but when I do go, and by God's grace, am present and patient, I feel tired quickly, because while I have not done much, I have given of myself.

I am strangely comforted by what God said so unexpectedly, while my failure at being a traffic warden for the children was unfolding before my eyes. Somehow I feel less guilty that I am tired so quickly, and so often. If that is because I am giving of myself, then I suppose it is alright...