Until You bless me...

The story of Jacob wrestling with God, and prevailing to secure His blessing has been on my mind, as I look back on what has been a most difficult year. It is a familiar story, but in locating the incident in the larger context of Jacob’s life, I have learnt much and been comforted in the process.

Jacob is on the run, facing the prospect of losing his wives, children and livestock, as he braces for a dreaded meeting with Esau his brother. After having cheated Esau of his father’s blessing, the two brothers have become enemies. Now, Jacob gets news that Esau is coming to meet him, with four hundred men. It is the moment of reckoning; Jacob’s shady past has finally caught up with him. “So Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed…” (Genesis 32:7) He divides his massive entourage of servants and livestock into two companies, so that if one is attacked, the other might have a chance to escape.

After sending away the two companies, Jacob gathers his wives, servants and children to him, crossing over the ford of Jabbok (v 22). With a heavy heart, he sends them ahead of him, probably prepared to see them no more. I cannot quite imagine how grieved and burdened Jacob must be, as he contemplated the prospect of losing everything that he had earned after 20 years of hard labour with Laban.

“Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day.” (v 24)

In the silence of the night, utterly alone, consumed with fear and dread, facing the prospect of losing everything that he has, God comes to him – not in gentleness and comfort, but with violence.

Jacob struggles with great intensity, and not just briefly. He persists, until daybreak, and prevails. I marvel at how much strength and force he displayed and think to myself – this amazing strength and perseverance is the mark of a man who is about to lose everything and possibly his own life, and he is now so utterly desperate and hungry for a blessing that he overpowers even the Angel of God.

Would Jacob have shown such strength and persistence if he wasn’t in such dire straits? Would he have prevailed if his life wasn’t falling apart? Would he have been so hungry for the blessing if life was more peaceful and secure?

We will never know, but I am led to say no. Desperate people do desperate things, and perhaps, just perhaps, God sometimes allows us to fall into utterly desperate circumstances so that our hearts would finally be truly hungry for His blessing.

Jacob emerges from this dramatic encounter forever changed. His name has changed. His destiny has changed. And his gait has changed. From now on, he would walk with a limp, a physical reminder of the night that he wrestled with God and prevailed. And it is with a limp that he walks towards the brother whom he cheated so many years ago, whom he meets with fear and trembling. To say that this is an inconvenient time to limp is an understatement. But that is how it is.

I take away two truths from this observation. One, that every real encounter with God changes us forever, one way or another. Sometimes the change is visible, sometimes not, but when we are hungry enough and finally take God seriously, He comes, claims us as His own, branding us forever in the process. Our lives, our loyalties and affections have changed forever.

Secondly, the blessing of God does not necessarily lift us above our vulnerabilities though we often think and wish this was so. For Jacob, the opposite happened. He was even more vulnerable after the blessing of God. His encounter with God left him injured and weak at a moment when his life was at stake, as he met Esau.

These reflections have silenced my many questions about why 2010 has been such a difficult one. Maybe like Jacob, things had to hit rock bottom for me, before I would finally be hungry enough to really seek Him, and Him alone, with all my strength. Maybe all that drained me emotionally had to take place, so that my heart would finally hear the echo of its own deceitfulness, and begin to truly thirst for His purifying touch. Maybe all my thwarted plans and good intentions had to be nullified by people and circumstances, so that I would finally come to the end of my natural wisdom, of which I am sad to say, has been in abundant supply until very recently.

In the natural, I wish for 2011 to be radically different from 2010. Humanely speaking, I cannot wait to close the chapter on a year that has tested me, and found me wanting in so many ways. But in God, I know what I wish for may not be what is best for me. Like Jacob, perhaps I must walk into the new year with a limp, in a state of vulnerability, into yet more challenges, clinging on to the hope that His grace will truly be sufficient, and His power seen through my weaknesses.