Living life

For in the multitude of dreams and many words there is also vanity. But fear God. [Ecclesiastes 5:7]

Man is born to live, not to prepare for life – Yurii Andreievich Zhivago, in Doctor Zhivago

A few friends have asked why I have not been updating this blog. I often think that what I don’t write, communicates more powerfully than what I do write.[1] It is the empty pages of a new journal that captures the meaning of life more than the entries themselves. Anything can happen next. Who’s to know? Isn’t this hybrid of uncertainty and expectancy the very essence of what life is?

It has been fourteen months since I left for Dili, and many months since the last entry. If I were to crystallize all my learning experiences into one statement, it would be this: Life is meant to be lived, not prepared for.

I have learnt that nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare one’s heart for the full onslaught of emotional turbulence that comes with living in a different culture. Not bible school. Not cross-cultural training programmes. Not reading. Not counseling. It is not that these are defective, not at all. Rather, it is our understanding that is wrong. You cannot prepare for life. You live it, moment by moment.

A wise and trusted mentor once asked me if I had done any serious reflection, at the end of our time together.

“A little”, I answered, stirring my breakfast cereals.

“And are you any wiser for it?”

I thought for a moment. “We’ll have to see.”

Looking back, I’m glad I answered the way I did. Because wisdom doesn’t come through reflection. It is fought for, and won, only in the arena of life – in the struggle to relate lovingly, to work passionately, day by day. Authenticity comes step-by-step, not once-for-all. Emotions are to be experienced, and then surrendered to God - not analysed and talked about.

Often, we refuse to live life. We prefer to prepare for life. Why is that? Maybe it boils down to fear and control, two sides of the coin of faithlessness. I don’t know, and I don’t really need to know. A fool’s voice is known by his many words [Eccl 5:3b]. God save me from too much writing, too many words, and all self-indulgent abstract mental exercises. Far better just to live life day by day under His care, like the birds of the air…

[1] In any case, I do not write on demand. Writing is but a means of communication. What is important is the message. The medium is secondary.